WARNING: a literary scandal --- proceed with caution!

2008-08-23T18:56:10Z

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm proud to present you .... the story that was thrown off ff.net!
Read at your own risk. There was a reason that this story was deleted. Oh yes.

Now, if you expect something extremely smutty and/or controversial, I must disappoint you. The story was deleted for the following reasons: "Not allowed: interactive, chat/script, real person, mst, and etc." I'm particularly fond of the "and etc".

Anyway, this story was written to celebrate the 1000th post at The Moony and Padfoot Parlour and is dedicated to the person who wrote the 1000th post: Sentrosi. Cheers!

Many thanks to LouisaB (aka fullmoondreams), who was so kind to beta this story for me.

Title: Harry P. and the Shrunken Head in the Knight's Bus
Characters: About everyone who is in the third movie (or who was cut out)
Genre: Parody (actually, the third movie is rather a tragedy, isn't it?)
Word count: 3379
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Do not read if you like the third movie, do not read if you like the third movie, do not read if you like the third movie
Disclaimer: Everything recognisable belongs to J.K. Rowling and WB. I don't make money with this.

Harry P. and the Shrunken Head in the Knight's Bus

Once upon a time a lovely lady wrote a lovely series of books that were loved by children and adults alike. Everything was fine until one day a new movie director rose, greater and more terrible than ever before. His name was Alfonso Cuarón, a name which was soon more feared than He Who Must Not Be Named. Cuarón’s aim was to twist everything the readers loved about the books into the exact opposite. The ‘thing’ that emerged under his reign was even worse. Nothing could save the movie from disaster. Not even the wonderful musical score by John Williams. Nor Snape’s fantastic billowing black robes. Nor Hedwig’s brilliant acting skills.

Readers were angry. Non-readers were confused. But it’s nothing compared to how the characters themselves feel: They’re even angrier and more confused than the movie audience. Here’s what they’ve got to say:

Mafalda Hopkirk: Dear Mr. Potter,

We have received intelligence that three Lumos Maxima Spells were used at your place of residence this night at twenty-three minutes past midnight. As you should well know by now, underage wizards are not permitted to perform spells outside school --

Harry Potter: I know it’s not allowed! I say so myself, don’t I? I say so when I’m talking to Fudge later in the movie.

Mafalda Hopkirk: Well, then why did you do it?

Harry Potter: I don’t know, I feel like I’m not myself ...

Remus Lupin: You don’t look exactly like your father.

Sirius Black: Ah, well, there is a similarity between Harry and James: Neither of them have messy hair.

Severus Snape: You don’t have your mother’s eyes. I don’t know why I’m even bothering with protecting you.

Harry Potter: It’s not my fault, okay? I told you, I feel like I’m not myself, like I was possessed by an evil spirit.

Mafalda Hopkins: Who was it then?

Harry Potter: I don’t know.

Mafalda Hopkins: You don’t know who was it?

The totally non-canon but oh-so-funny shrunken head in the Knight Bus: Yeah, man, you think You-Know-Who’s evil? Man, you got no idea. How else did the visual effects guys manage to make the logo sooo dark without You-Know-Who even being there? Ha, that guy got no screen time. You wanna know why this movie is so dark then, yeah? It’s because of me. Yeah, I’m eeeeeevil. I stole important screen time. Haha. So the kiddies can laugh their ass off at me and then won’t mind if they don’t understand a thing later. Hoho. Really, what does it matter who betrays who, who changes into which animal, who’s good and who’s evil? Hehe. In the end, you all know just one thing: I am evil. Yeah. You-Know-Who’s a beginner. Call me You-Don’t-Know-Who because, let’s face it, no one really knows why I’m in the movie.

Random person in the Leaky Cauldron that is there for no real reason: Where am I? What am I doing here? Oh my God, I’m on TV! But, oh no, I didn’t get a haircut, could you please cut me out? For heaven’s sake, will you just cut me out?!

Hermione Granger: HARRY!!!!!!!

Harry Potter: Yeah?

Hermione Granger: Oh, HARRY, you’re in the Leaky Cauldron!

Ron Weasley: Bloody hell.

Hermione Granger: Is that all you ever say?

Ron Weasley: Unfortunately, yes. It’s unfair, really. Dumbledore himself said that I played the best chess match Hogwarts had ever seen. Okay, he’s mental but he’s also a genius. So how come they portray me as dumber than Dudley, Crabbe and Goyle all added together? Bloody hell!

Harry Potter: Who are you and what have you done to Hermione Granger?

Hermione Granger: Don’t look at me like that. I would never do it, never! Professor McGonagall made me promise that I wouldn’t misuse the Time Turner. Really, I didn’t travel ten years into the future to bring us all nice, fashionable Muggle clothes back.

Arthur Weasley: You know why JKR didn’t kill me off? Because I’m such a good father figure. And as a good father figure, I’ll certainly try to sound as threatening as possible when telling a thirteen-year-old boy that he is in GRAVE DANGER.

Dementors: We demand a right to be scary. We are not - we repeat: NOT – soccer balls with black ribbons fluttering behind us. We also demand that we move in a more scary way. We ask the movie producers to not stigmatise us as creatures who are easily addicted to drugs. The crazy spiralling formation flying we are forced to do might suggest such a thing. On another note, we are really really scary and can do much more scary things than freezing flowers.

Remus Lupin: I’m not addicted to drugs either. I think the movie producers were werewolf-o-phobic and used just another prejudice that my kind is constantly faced with. Also, I don’t listen to techno music. The swing tune, however, is rather nice.

The record player: There is no swing tune. It’s just your imagination. It can’t be there. Didn’t you read Hogwarts: A History? It says there that Muggle devices using electricity don’t work at this magical place. You see, I’m not working. It’s just a trick. Don’t let them fool you. You couldn’t possibly hear me.

Hogwarts: What the - ? Where - ? Ah, my ... But how - ? HELP!

The Bridge: AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! What am I doing here? Where am I? Why’s that loony guy with the ugly moustache walking over me when there was just this old lady who wanted to step on me to cross that river a moment before ... By the way, where is the river? Hm, someone must’ve Summoned me here. Okay, come to think of it, this place is rather lovely. Poor old lady, though. The river was deep ...

Hogwarts: I may be magical and I may have moving staircases but that doesn’t mean they can just replant me and attach things and rip things off ... Merlin’s pants, I feel sick.

Hermione Granger: HARRY!!!

Harry Potter: Yeah?

Hermione Granger: Oh, HARRY, you’re in the Divination classroom, I just can’t believe it! I never expected to meet you here at Hogwarts, it’s such a surprise!

Ron Weasley: Wicked.

Professor Trelawney: What do they think they are doing? How can they portray me as such a madwoman? Really, my performances are better than that. How would my students be scared of my visions if I acted like that? But - wait a moment - what’s this? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Alfonso Cuarón, my poor, poor boy, it is here, plainer than ever before: it’s the Grim! It’s stalking towards you, growing ever closer ... (Ha!)

Sirius Black: Oh, and while we’re already discussing Grims, please keep in mind that I am not a Grim. Although you’re supposed to think I am. But I don’t have superpowers. Well, I sort of have. You know, I can turn into a dog and I own this brilliant flying motorbike ... But let’s get back to the topic: My mere presence can’t make swings sway atmospherically and scarily in the wind.

Buckbeak: I feel out of place here. They sort of portrayed me in an acceptable way ... There is nothing strikingly wrong with my appearance. Though, of course, it’s degrading to think that that Potter boy would enjoy flying on me and doing his stupid stunts. What does he think I am? A common tame dragon from a cheap fantasy movie? I am a Hippogriff. And you’d better hold on for dear life if you are lucky enough to have my permission to fly on me.

Hedwig: I think they have a serious misconception with regard to owls. The thing is, we don’t change the seasons, but we do deliver post.

The widow and the three devastated little children of the bird who was so cruelly killed by the Whomping Willow: Rest in peace, dear wife and mother. We will miss you. Always.

Sirius Black: I’d like to point out once more that I am not a Grim. And I’m not that huge. Well, I am huge, huge for a dog, that is. I’m not dead yet either, so there’s really no reason for my gigantic profile to be in the clouds ... Although it does look pretty impressive ...

Hermione Granger: HARRY!!!

Harry Potter: Yeah?

Hermione Granger: Oh, HARRY, you’re in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, oh my God! It’s so wonderful to meet you here!

Ron Weasley: Bloody hell!

Lupin’s Class: Oh, look, Lupin’s Boggart isn’t a crystal orb - it’s a full moon with clouds.

Crabbe: Even I’m not stupid enough not to recognise it. If his worst fear is the full moon ...

Goyle: ... then it can mean only one thing: He’s a werewolf.

Malfoy: I’m going to tell my father immediately.

And thus Remus Lupin left Hogwarts too early. He didn’t teach Harry how to conjure a Patronus. Hence followed that Harry, Hermione and Sirius got the Kiss. He Who Must Not Be Named triumphed.

Harry Potter: No, he didn’t. It’s because all of us are just too stupid. Why would we not recognise such a big, lovely, plain, clear, full moon? Because we’re stupid. Or maybe we just have to be stupid because we expect the audience to be stupid? That’s why I explain hero things like “I hope he finds me. Because if he does, I’m gonna be ready.” You see, no one would understand it if I just kept silent when Hermione asked me if I wanted to hunt Sirius Black down. No, that would be way too subtle. I am stupid, we are stupid, the audience is stupid, everyone is stupid.

Minerva McGonagall: I am not stupid. I am a level-headed witch. I can see quite clearly that betraying your best friends and getting them killed is worse a crime than being Godfather to Harry Potter.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: All you need is love.

Hermione Granger: HARRY!!!

Harry Potter: Yeah?

Hermione Granger: Oh, HARRY, you’re in the school yard, it’s just ...

Ron Weasley: Your cat killed my rat.

Hermione Granger: Did not.

Ron Weasley: Did.

Hermione Granger: Did not.

Ron Weasley: Did.

Harry Potter: I think we have already established that we’re all stupid. There’s no need to get deeper.

Ron Weasley: But I really loved my rat.

Hermione Granger: You’re not allowed to have deeper feelings. Because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon, giggle-giggle-giggle. All you have to do is eat noisily. Only Harry and I are allowed to feel feelings. Besides, I don’t have time for longer arguments because, in addition to all the lessons I take and the stressful time with the Time Turner, I have to use dozens of Straightening Spells for my hair, not to mention all the different hairstyles I try and the huge amount of make-up to hide the dark circles that are supposed to be around my eyes from studying so much.

Ron Weasley: You forgot the shortening and straightening of your teeth.

Harry Potter: Pettigrew has already long enough teeth for the rest of the world.

The Fat Lady: Here is an announcement, ladies and gentlemen: I am an accomplice of the totally non-canon but oh-so-funny shrunken head in the Knight Bus. My mission here is to steal important screen time. Maybe if I improve my singing over the years, I’ll get a long and unnecessary scene like my Master in one of the next movies.

Regulus Black: Yes, you could replace me, Kreacher and the locket in the seventh movie since no one knows who I am anyway. Suddenly introducing that plotline would confuse people who haven’t read the books five times each.

Sirius Black: You stupid idiot! Didn’t you know that confusing people was the whole aim of this movie?!

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: I’m so wise.

Severus Snape: Name five signs that distinguish a werewolf from a true wolf.

Harry Potter: One: Werewolves don’t look like true wolves at all.

Ron Weasley: Two: There’s hardly any semblance between a werewolf and a true wolf.

Hermione Granger: Three: There’s no way you could ever mistake a werewolf for a true wolf.

Harry Potter: Four: If you look very closely, you can find five little signs that werewolves and true wolves have in common.

Peter Pettigrew: Five: Werewolves play the piano. True wolves don’t.

Severus Snape: Correct, and therefore fifty points from Gryffindor. (smacks everyone over the head with a book)

Remus Lupin: Snape is hardly overtaxing you - I would expect first-years to be able to spot that distinction.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Cornelius Fudge: Clearly you’re on drugs, too.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: This movie is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Cornelius Fudge: Really, and what was that thing about strawberries?

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: Don’t drink and drive.

Cornelius Fudge: What has this got to do with anything?

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: Nothing. But I like to express my amazing wisdoms. There doesn’t have to be a reason or motivation. I just do it from time to time. Have you never read a fanfic? I appear there from time to time just to give a story the right wisdom dose. But this movie tops it all. For in dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let them swim in the deepest ocean or glide over the highest cloud.

Professor Trelawney: My dear, this sounds beautiful! It could be from me!

Professor McGonagall: Did you ever consider writing the lyrics for Celestina Warbeck?

Hagrid: Great man, Dumbledore ...

Harry Potter: Maybe an extremely clever script writer put it in to subtly foreshadow the dreams I have in the fifth book?

Ron Weasley: I thought we’re all supposed to be stupid? A stupid audience who hasn’t read the fifth book yet wouldn’t get the hint.

Remus Lupin: Don’t use logic here, Ron. We do not follow logical patterns in this movie. Look at me, for example: I know the Map never lies but when Harry shows me Peter on it, I don’t believe it. Why did you tell me about it anyway, Harry? Normally, you never tell a teacher anything so you can save the world on your own.

Harry Potter: Well, otherwise people would probably get the idea that the movie has anything to do with the book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Of course we could have simply taken a scene where you get tense and give me funny looks and excuses if I mention Sirius but I thought it would be amusing to change another thing from the book and do such a scene with me mentioning Peter instead.

Hermione Granger: By the way, Professor, if you didn’t believe the Map showed the truth, then why did you come into the Shrieking Shack?

Remus Lupin: You know, Sirius, that’s a fair question. How did I find out where you were?

Sirius Black: You probably had a vision in your drugged state. You really should stop taking so many drugs. You even misspelled your name!

Severus Snape: Don’t ask me to fathom the way a werewolf’s mind works …

Harry Potter: Why, what’s wrong with his name?

Sirius Black: It should be Moony, not Mooney. But it looks like he was too drugged to remember.

Ron Weasley: What’s so important about that name anyway?

Remus Lupin: It’s because we are the creators of the Marauder’s Map. Sirius, James and Peter became Animagi to help me during full moons: Sirius turned into a dog, James into a stag and Peter into a rat. That’s where they got their nicknames from: Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail. See? It could be explained so quickly ...

The totally non-canon but oh-so-funny shrunken head in the Knight’s Bus: Hehehe, hahaha, hohoho.

Hermione Granger: But, Professor Lupin ... it just can’t be true, you know it can’t ...

Remus Lupin: Why can’t it be true?

Hermione Granger: Because ... because there’s nothing like that ever mentioned in the whole movie.

Ron Weasley: What are Animagi anyway?

Hermione Granger: Professor McGonagall explained it to us in the first movie - have you already forgotten?

Ron Weasley: But I thought Alfonso Cuarón didn’t give a damn what happened in the first two movies.

Hogwarts: Exactly. Wisely spoken, my boy.

Ron Weasley: Thanks, I seldom get that. And then even Hermione steals my “If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us, too.” And I just whimper around. I don’t even get my fair share of bravery. Bloody hell!

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: I say it loud: I’m gay and I’m proud.

Sirius Black: I never thought I’d ever say this but, hey, please consider that I’m pureblood! I grew up in an old, muggle-hating wizarding family. I have no idea what a chemistry set is.

Severus Snape: I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with you, Black. What were they thinking when they wrote us such dialogue?! Quarrelling like an old married couple - I’d never say such a thing. It could have disastrous consequences.

Sirius Black: Don’t worry, Moons/Moonykins/Re/Rem/Remy/Remmie/Remmy/Remmykins, I still love you, even if you have such an ugly moustache.

Remus Lupin: Ooooh, I know you have a moustache now, too (although it isn’t nearly as ugly as mine), but it will never stop me from loving you, Pad/Pads/Paddy/Sir/Siri.

Severus Snape: I swear, I never meant for this to happen!

Harry Potter: But, Professor Lupin, I thought you had a thing for my mother, who saw the beauty within you.

Remus Lupin: They switched. Without telling me.

Ron Weasley: You’re both mental.

Remus Lupin: YES!

Sirius Black: Remus, my old friend, did you take your potion tonight?

Remus Lupin: What potion?

Severus Snape: You can’t know about the Wolfsbane Potion, Black! You were in Azkaban when it was invented.

Sirius Black: Oh, shut up, Snivellus.

Severus Snape: And we didn’t have the potion in the movie either.

Sirius Black: Insufferable know-it-all ...

Remus Lupin: Congratulations, Padfoot. I think you did quite a good job confusing everyone with your potion-statement and thus adding to the purpose of this movie.

Harry Potter: Why’s Snape here in the Shrieking Shack anyway?

Severus Snape: I was about to bring Lupin his potion and --

Remus Lupin: What potion?!

Severus Snape: Dear Merlin, I wonder why Dumbledore would ever hire such an incompetent, dumb, slow-witted, dense, brainless, daft, foolish, ignorant, dull, idiotic … werewolf to teach --

Hermione Granger: Professor Snape! You can’t just say that!

Harry Potter: You’re pathetic! Just because he got the Defence Against the Dark Arts post, you take every opportunity to insult him!

Severus Snape: Because he got the Defence post? That’s what you think? Ha! He tried to kill me!

Ron Weasley: Wait, wait, wait! I thought Pettigrew was the one responsible for the murder? Or did you switch again? Double-switch? So you even changed the victim? Can someone please explain to me?

Hermione Granger: Very good, Ronald, you sound just as confused and dim-witted as you’re supposed to be. Though, frankly, I don’t understand a thing either.

Ron Weasley: …

Harry Potter: …

Remus Lupin: …

Severus Snape: …

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: May the Force be with you.

Harry Potter: I wonder, why’s my Patronus a stag, Professor Lupin?

Remus Lupin: Oh, well, it may have something to do with your father being a stag in his Animagus shape.

Harry Potter: You knew my father? But, you never told me about him!

Remus Lupin: Met him once or twice. What was his name again? John? Jim? Ah, James it was. But Lily and I, the two of us were really the best of friends. We were really close. She was fantastic. My best friend ever. We did everything together. Bosom buddies. Friends for life. Have I told you how nice she was? How fantastic? How perfect? How Mary-Sue-like?

Harry Potter: So you’re trying to say that the little thing McGonagall said in the first movie about Animagi had something to do with the plot of this movie?

Remus Lupin: Indeed. If I’m proud of anything, it’s how much you’ve learned.

Haven’t we all?

wufff

WARNING: a literary scandal --- proceed with caution!